We have to take a test and get a license to drive a car but there is no training required to raise a human being. There is a lot to know about how to be an effective and loving parent, therefore the shelves are packed with parenting books. These Basic Principles include the most cutting edge information about how we can improve relationships with our children, teach emotional intelligence, and learn the highly effective techniques and skills developed by the Love and Logic Institute over the past 30 years.

1) Techniques and Philosophy

The Love and Logic Institute provides a common-sense approach that offers parents and educators easy-to-learn skills that create respect, responsibility and good decision-making in youth.

Love and Logic rests on these practical and effective solutions that are research-based.

• Logical consequences delivered with empathy
• Collective thinking and problem-solving
• Shared control
• Adult-child relationships that build mutual respect and self-esteem

	Airlines tell us to take care of ourselves first: “Put your own oxygen mask on, then assist your child.” Being a positive example also says to our children “This feels good, and you can do it too.” Sometimes we think children will feel secure if we give them what they want, when they want it. We don’t want to spend our precious time with them in conflict, so we might give in to begging or whining. We put our own well-being second, so our children won’t be uncomfortable, or inconvenienced. We drain our own energy, and we’re less able to be present. Setting this example also trains our children that it’s okay to allow others to treat us as a “doormat.” Self-care for parents means finding loving ways to send the message: “I love you, but I also don’t put up with abuse, disrespect, or doing your work for you.” When our children see us practice self-care, it empowers them. They tend to avoid self-destructive behaviors. They recognize these choices: they’ve already seen them in practice — at home.
	Empathy allows us to connect with our children instead of react to their problems. Empathy builds trust and communication. Empathy helps parents enforce limits, without looking like “the bad guy.” When we react to children (or anyone) with negative emotions, they’ll focus their energies on our reaction — not the original problem. When our behavior is out of control, our children will resist, or withdraw. When we convey empathy first, children are free to concentrate their powers on their own challeges. They’re more open to loving guidance on their decisions. When situations trigger powerful emotional reactions in us, we’re more able to handle them in a loving way. We can neutralize arguments in a few kind words. We can end tantrums with a smile on our faces. With empathy, the connection is made.
	Do we learn the most from our successes, or do we learn still more from our mistakes? What if we weren’t given many chances to make mistakes, or to experience the consequences of our decisions? Sometimes as parents we might hover, rescue or over-manage our childrens’ lives.  We may feel it’s our job, it’s often more expedient, and it may just feel better. However, it tends to render a child helpless and unsure of themselves. Why should they worry about their own lives when they know their parent has it covered? When we offer children choices within safe limits they get to practice decision-making. We provide empathy and consequences that allow children to “own their own problem.” They do most of the thinking, and can learn from their mistakes while they are young and the price of failure is still small.

(Please write in with questions about how to apply these techniques to specific situations with your children.)

2) Mindfulness and Self-care

Mindfulness is a word that has been used a lot lately so I will define it as it relates to parenting.  Mindfulness is paying focused attention on purpose, without judgment, to the experience of the present moment. In my workshops I teach parents how to focus their attention on the physiological sensation of emotions because all emotions are grounded in the body. They are the process by which we viscerally appraise the goodness or badness of the experiences we encounter—-and it is largely on the basis of such appraisals that we decide (consciously or unconsciously) how we will act.

As a parent, it is important to develop the skill of inner awareness so we can identify what thoughts and feelings lead to reacting unconsciously. This has been the key to success with parents in my workshops. It is very hard to apply the brilliant Love and Logic philosophy of empathy first, if we keep falling back into habitually ineffective reactions. Even though putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first is counter-intuitive, parents have discovered that finding small amounts of time to nourish themselves leads to less stress and more fun.

Techniques for focusing on yourself are offered below. By focusing our attention differently and practicing these techniques, parenting automatically improves. It becomes easier to choose more effective responses as we learn to keep fear and judgment of ourselves, out of the equation and practice self-care.

• Contemplate what it means to be able to grow new neurons within eight to ten weeks if daily attention is focused on what you want to change.
• In a stressful moment with your child, remember to count to six in a foreign language or just feel and hear six breaths filling our lungs before anything comes out of your mouth. (See www.6seconds.org for more information)
• Make space in the day for down-time to practice any mindfulness-based technique or do something that brings you joy. Put it in the calendar.
• Use this combined meditation from Dan Siegel’s book, Mindsight, and the Feldenkrais Method: The purpose of this meditation/exercise is to teach your brain how to differentiate between the feeling of being in the present moment as compared to being in the activities of your mind. Spending ten minutes a day being in a mindful state will actually increase neural activity in the pre-frontal cortex, leading to a deeper sense of well-being.
• (Coming soon – an audio recording of this meditation) Meantime google Dan Siegel’s -  Wheel of Awareness meditation