Success in applying the basic skills depends on lots of practice. Just like learning how to play a new instrument, practice is what will build new neural connections.

Here are a few tricks that help us re-wire our brains:

Practicing new skills and language and using a mindful stance is difficult at first because it is unfamiliar. Most parents experience some confusion for awhile which must be expected. Parents have found it helpful to:

1) Allow the confusion and frustration.

2) Get encouragement from like-minded friends. This will assure that you stick with the plan rather than slip back into old ways or get frustrated. As we start to make changes, parents have found that it helps to

3) Keep the focus on yourself.

4) Expect a “training period” for both you and your children. You will both move toward new neural connections and away from limiting habitual reactions. In stressful situations, ask yourself what you need to feel nourished.

5) Keep your focus on your physiological sensations.

When you pay attention to your blood pressure and the sensations in your heart and intestines, you will know you are going into an automatic reactive mode that will end up feeling bad. Eventually you can begin to choose responses that feel more serene and will be much more effective. Once your children catch wind of the shift in you, they will say some very interesting things for awhile. 

6) Expect tantrums and you will be ready to handle whatever your children come up with. It doesn’t seem so, but children yearn for the very same limits that they argue with us about the most. It is their job to test us to make sure we will stand our ground. Another trick to help us follow through with consequences is to:

7) Expect our children NOT to do what we ask. It is their experience of whatever discomfort the consequence brings them that will change their behavior, not our constant reminding or nagging. This is really good because it takes us out of the equation and leaves a child with their problem in their own lap. Every time a child comes to us with a problem we can:

Ask ourselves, “Whose problem is this?” When it is not our problem we can lovingly turn it over to our child, either with an appropriate consequence or lots of questions as to how they will be solving it.

9) Delaying consequences gives us time to design the most appropriate plan instead of blurting whatever comes out of our mouths when we are slightly upset or in a hurry. Contrary to former thinking, children are not like dogs, in that we have to rub their noses in their own mess immediately. Even a three year old remembers a promise for weeks, especially  when it involves a treat. Sometimes it can even be more effective for a child to have to be thinking about what will be coming. All we have to say is;

10) “Oh….. (in a very empathetic tone for the problem they just created)…. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

This is when step four comes in handy. You can call a like-minded friend for help to brainstorm about what an appropriate consequence would be. (See the next tab for details on building this kind of support)

11) Use one-liners as a way to re-structure our brains:

The Love and Logic Institute has come up with a handful of brilliant one-liners that convey empathy…….. if said with the proper tone. They are designed to shut down arguments and prevent anyone from draining your energy but more importantly they are very helpful in changing automatic reactions.

Practice saying these with a very calm and loving tone. No sarcasm!

“I love you too much to argue about that right now”

“Nice try”

“Oh…how sad. What are you going to do about that?

“I know……..(said very lovingly.)

“Uh oh….. Energy Drain. Let me know how you will be putting that energy back.” (Details for how to use the “Energy Drain” technique are on the next tab)

Be Patient. It takes neurons eight to ten weeks to rewire if you practice firing new neural pathways. After awhile your children will sense the shift in you and then all of a sudden their behavior will magically change.