Not that long ago people used to have the support of an extended family close by, to share the job of raising children. It is a very difficult job to do alone. Cultivating support from the community or neighborhood makes it a lot easier. If we can build a safe relationship with our neighbors, the support is invaluable.

Our neighbors can usually see solutions to our problems more easily than their own. We can help each other come up with appropriate consequences by delaying them until we get a chance to consult a friend. Contrary to popular belief, it is sometimes even more effective for a child to think they got away with something only to find that their parents or even better, the whole neighborhood, actually did mean business.

It is especially helpful to work as a team on setting up what Love and Logic calls, a “strategic training session” for when you are trying to change a chronic behavioral problem.

For example, if there is a chronic problem getting children out of the house and ready for the bus or ride to school, you can tell the children that your car or the bus will be leaving at 8am for school and you hope they are on it. Expect that they probably won’t be on it and then provide lots of empathy for their problem when they are not ready. You have already arranged for your neighbor to come over to do some really boring desk work if a child misses the ride and you will be paying her with that child’s allowance.

This can take a lot of effort but only for a short period of time rather than the on-going energy drain of the chronic problem. When children know you will be following through, you’ll be amazed at how co-operative they become. The hard part is holding a loving stance and letting go of trying to rescue them for whatever the consequences would be, including getting a bad grade.

Following through with consequences is much easier with the support of a neighbor or friend.

I have mentioned the:

Energy Drain Technique earlier but now I will give an example of how it is used as a consequence. This is another brilliant Love and Logic technique for when it feels as if your child is actually draining energy right out of your body.

When your child misbehaves and causes a problem for anyone else, you can respond with empathy by saying in a loving tone,

“Oh…….that was an energy drain. How will you be putting that back?” Your child will learn very quickly that when they here that sound, they have a problem. It can be used a few different ways, for instance, you can suggest that when you hear a vacuum running from a distance (in other words, you are not doing the vacuuming), it puts energy back into your body. Your child can do your chores for you until you feel the energy is back.

Another way of using it is to wait until the next time your child needs or wants you to do something, such as drive them to after school events or to their friend’s house or the mall.

You can sadly say to them, “Oh………. you know the other day when you said or did such and such……….that behavior drained all the energy out of me,  so I have none left to drive you today….maybe another day.”

The great advantage to this technique is that children learn how to use this on us so it teaches respect for people’s energy/personal space. This is an excellent skill to learn as a child so it can be used on peers who drain energy by driving and drinking or by just being a drag to be around.