Neuroscientists like Dan Siegel have shown that by using our minds to observe our behaviors and feelings and how they relate to our past, we can change unwanted reactions when we are being “triggered.” He calls this process, “Mindsight”, which starts with self-reflection or what is also called mentalization and includes mindfulness. (see his videos on Help Page)

There are as many parenting styles as there are parents but I will simplify it for now with just three. Usually any one of us can find many of these parts at work within us. The first step is to reflect on how your parents’ styles affected you and then to understand the messages and the consequences each style gives to a child.

Helicopter” parents

When we’re “Helicopter” parents, we tend to rescue and over-protect. We hover, insulate, second-guess, overrule, remind and intervene. We’re often so busy solving problems for our children that we become overwhelmed and forget to take care of ourselves. “Helicopter” parenting tends to create needy kids. It causes our children to doubt their own instincts and perceptions. Instead of showering us with gratitude, they later grow resentful and rebellious. Constant “rescuing” also leads to foolish actions on the part of our children: we haven’t given them opportunities to practice making difficult decisions. “Helicopter” parenting also sends a message to our children: “You’re fragile, you need my protection. You can’t make it in the world without me. We’re usually there to insulate them from any discomfort or inconvenience that might result from their poor choices. This also prevents them from owning positive results. When these children venture out in to the “real world” they can feel mystified and overwhelmed. They don’t have the confidence and self-concept that comes from genuine experience and accomplishment.

“Drill Sergeant” parents

Sometimes we’re faced with trying situations that use up all our best parenting skills. Situations like arguing, sibling fights, whining, tantrums, and begging, put us ‘over the edge.’ We run out of patience. Sometimes we have a little tantrum of our own. We just want a moment’s peace, at any cost. It’s then that we resort to “Drill Sergeant” parenting. We order our kids around, shout commands and threaten. When we “lose our heads,” we hear ourselves saying things we heard growing up yet swore we would never say to our children, things like “Because I said so!” and “Just do it!” We interrupt rather than listen, and we’re not that pleasant to be around, even for other adults. “Drill Sergeant” parenting also sends a message to our children: “You can’t be trusted to think for yourself. I have to figure things out for you, and tell you what to do. You aren’t capable of making it without me managing your life.” “Drill Sergeant” parenting trains our children to focus their considerable creative energies on solving one problem: our reactions. This distracts them from solving their own problems. Later, we might feel guilt about our behavior. We don’t follow up with consequences, or we overindulge. Our children learn that we don’t mean what we say — so why listen? “Drill Sergeant” parenting tells our children it isn’t safe to be honest with us. They become proficient at fibbing or being sneaky to avoid confrontations. This contempt for authority extends to teachers and others outside the home. As these children reach the age when we’re not around to exert control, they will need to rebel. They’ll seek guidance from their peers, because guidance has never come from within themselves.

“Consultant” parents

When we act as “Consultant” parents, we first connect with our children with genuine empathy. When children bring us problems that don’t directly affect us, we can help guide them to find their own solutions. When their problems do affect us, instead of telling them what to do, we tell them what we’re willing to do. We offer children acceptable choices within safe limits. We use fewer words, and more meaningful actions. If our child’s decisions or behaviors result in negative consequences for them, we can convey sincere compassion and caring. We can also be brave enough to allow our child to experience and learn from those consequences. “Consultant” parenting also sends the message: “You should do your own thinking, because the quality of your life has a lot to do with your decisions.” We can model self-care in loving ways. We listen and show that we want to understand our child’s point of view, even if we think it may not work out well. We can offer thoughts or suggestions to receptive ears. We can give our children the right to fail — or succeed — by not rescuing them unnecessarily or taking charge of decisions they could make and learn from. When we communicate our empathy first, we learn that we can do all these things without losing our cool. We can think clearly, make decisions that leave us proud of our parenting, and model appropriate behavior, too.

(Taken from The Love and Logic Facilitators Course)

Here is a list of reflective questions you can ask yourself.

1. Reflect on how your parents disciplined you. Were they relaxed and happy, permissive, guilt-inducing, over-controlling, heavy handed, or combinations of these? What were the effects their styles had on you?
2. Take a moment to come up with a few adjectives to describe your relationship with your mother and then your father.
3. Look at photo albums of yourself when you were your child’s age. What were your natural interests or passions at that time? Did your family environment help these inclinations flourish or whither?
4. On the topic of food; What are your most pleasant childhood memories of the tastes, smells, and presentation of food? Least pleasant memories, battles, tensions with the family?
5. What activities did your family do together that you enjoyed? What are the worst memories?
6. How much time did you have to daydream and reflect as a child?

You might also ask, “Why is it so important to do this kind of self-reflection? It is the first step in learning how to show our children that we mean business without being mean. Self-reflection will lead to being smarter about our emotions and more connected to what our children need from us. We also model what it looks like to be emotionally intelligent.