“What Would Bob Do?”
Published March 8, 2012I treasure this story from a mom I’ll call Grace. Self-care is a big theme in my program and most of us have a hard time justifying taking the time for ourselves. It seems especially hard for women to even have it on their list of things to do.
We had spent a lot of time talking about the fear of being seen as a selfish-bitch and how that fear makes us bend over backwards to accommodate everyone else’s needs before our own.
After taking my workshop for a few weeks Grace started to pay attention to how she could relieve herself of the guilt and fit more ‘down time’ into a very busy schedule. She noticed that her husband automatically did whatever he needed to do for himself without the shame or fear of being called selfish. He would just announce that he was off to play golf.
Instead of this behavior making Grace angry as it had in the past, she started to take her husband’s lead. When she was at a loss for how to justify a plan to escape for awhile she would ask herself, “What would Bob do?”
The rest of us in the group laughed out loud in recognition and inspiration. Everyone gets happier when both parents are enjoying their lives! I’m sure you can think of a “Bob” in your life, so when in doubt ask, “What would Bob do?”
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Old Dogs CAN Learn New Tricks!
Published December 3, 2011
The 1990s were the start of what scientists call the “neuroplasticity revolution.” We have discovered that our brains are plastic, or extremely malleable. This means, even as old dogs, we can learn new tricks. We have the ability to rise above bad habits that sabotage our higher intentions by learning how to focus our minds differently.
Haven’t we been told all our lives that we only use ten percent of our brains? We do lose brain mass as we age, but until we die we have access to billions of possible neural connections. This is good news for everyone, but especially for parents who commonly express frustration at not being able to stop what comes out of their mouths even when they know it won’t have the desired effect they were looking for with their children.
With the new brain-scanning technology, neuroscientists and psychologists have discovered that by teaching people how to focus on the present moment, with some kind of mindfulness-based practice, we can learn to access higher levels of thinking that will over-ride unconscious, habitual reactions.
So, not only can we learn new tricks, we can start using the part of the brain that leads to more compassion, insight, empathy and the ability to regulate fear. Stay tuned for tips on HOW to learn these new tricks.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Five Minutes’ Peace
Published October 24, 2011A parent who can take just five minutes for themselves will handle a child’s tantrum more constructively than a stressed, tired or hungry parent.
For instance, as you walk in the door after a long day of work, instead of being greeted by your angel children, one of them is screaming about the toy their brother just took from them and they want it back now! A stressed and burnt out parent would have a hard time not either taking this behavior personally, getting a little resentful or at least wanting to stop the screaming at any cost whether by effective parenting or not. This is a trap most of us fall into and is a direct result of having no reserves, especially at the end of the day when everyone is tired. In this situation we might raise our own voice, blurt out a consequence that we can’t enforce or try to solve a problem that isn’t ours to solve. If we are also feeling guilty for not being with our children all day, we might do nothing and just tolerate unacceptable behavior, which confuses a child. This will ensure that whatever the child is doing will be repeated and no one gets any peace or makes progress. In this circumstance your child just wants to connect and they feel the connection when they hear empathy coming from a calm, loving adult. Just allowing ourselves to take five minutes to unwind before or after we walk in the door will up-the-odds that the last half hour before bedtime will be more loving and fun.
What would it look like to practice daily self-care? What if we nurtured the things that bring us joy even if it is just filling basic needs such as enough sleep and food at the right times? Most parents don’t need a whole lot of time away from the devoted job of raising children. We know that there is sacrifice involved and we usually happily embrace getting back to the joy of being parents. A little time to step back and give ourselves a moment for contemplation can go a long way.
My favorite book to read to my children when they were little, and surprisingly also their favorite book was called, Five Minutes’ Peace, about a mama elephant whose three children needed her for something every second. All she wanted was five minutes to drink her tea in peace. Pulling ourselves out of the fray for very short periods of time can help us regulate emotions and be more likely to respond to our children’s problems with empathy.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Self-Care is Counter Intuitive
Published October 17, 2011Our society doesn’t model what it looks like to take care of ourselves from the inside out, therefore most of us find it hard to even justify applying self-care to our daily lives.
Instead, we are bombarded with messages about how we can improve ourselves physically and materially from the magazine racks at the check-out stands in the market to the ads on billboards and on television. They tell us sixteen different ways we can be more attractive; make more money, be an entrepreneur and loose more weight. I have been teaching the art of self-care for thirty years, and I am amazed at how difficult and foreign a concept it is for most of us to incorporate into our daily lives, especially as parents of small children. Everything and everybody else’s needs seem to take precedence over what we need to sustain ourselves and thrive but the fear of being seen as selfish holds us back from filling our own needs.
It helps to understand that it is counter-intuitive to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first?
Our instinct is to protect our children, even if we die in the process. I had a relative named Helen who actually did die before she got to see her grandchildren because she worked herself to the bone taking care of everyone but herself. This ultimately did not serve her children. She inspired me to find ways to help parents understand that self-care is a gift.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Seven Steps to Enlightened Parenting Class
Published September 16, 2011
How to Rewire Your Brain and Watch Your Family Magically Change
This is the current working title of the book proposal I have completed this summer. This process helped me clearly define what I teach and I’m looking forward to sharing it with you all.
I’m starting a six week class this coming Tuesday, September 20th from 10-11:30am. It will be hosted in Fairfield
It is $210. for the six weeks. If you have already taken one of my workshops there is a $60. discount.
If you have friends in your community who want to form their own group, we can schedule another workshop.
I hope you enjoyed your summer!
To Register online, visit my Facebook Event Page or feel free to call or email me with questions. Leigh@leighmscott.com 203-247-6451
The Neuroscience of Well-Being
Published August 4, 2011I like knowing what my higher brain is capable of because it gives me a vision of what I want to shoot for. Knowing that practicing a particular way of focusing my mind will lead me to being a person who is more intuitive, empathetic, and capable of creating deeper emotional relationships is exciting! This means we can build new neural patterns that result in more conscious responses to any situation just by practicing focused attention. There is also evidence that cultivating this area of the brain may lead to a sense of humor, which is always a good thing as a parent.
The brain patterns for habitual reactions are strong and fast so it takes practice in order to switch tracks. At first it is only after we loose our temper that we can reflect on what happened but after awhile the reactions get less intense as we use self-directed mindfulness to grow the higher centers of the brain. This new direction is the neuroscience of well-being. It is simply to begin cultivating a connection to self that leads to more awareness and the ability, more often, to choose higher-road responses. The next five steps are the ‘how to’ of this process.
Homework and Teens
Published March 25, 2011The following is a scenario presented by a parent with my suggested response:
Okay…I am e-mailing for help. First let me say that this stuff really works!! That being said…My freshman decided last night that he needed a day off today to “catch up” with his school work. He walked me through the very long list of deliverables he has for the week which was clearly overwhelming. I was tired just listening to him. He had a very nice weekend though. He “relaxed” all day Saturday, went out Saturday night, had two boys sleep over, got up and did volunteer work with me. I dropped him home so he could do his homework, but he said he didn’t have any. He also told my husband he didn’t have any. Thinking this seemed odd..we however, let it go. He hung out all Sunday afternoon and evening until my husband and I got home from our dinner 9:00pm. It was then he explained how very tired he was, and that he was not going to school tomorrow. How I didn’t understand…how mean I was…as I was saying “I love you to much to argue about this!” ”It must be so overwhelming to have so much work.” “Maybe next time you will make a different choice on how to use your time over the weekend.” etc. etc. This morning I simply said it was time to go, he said he wasn’t and I talked about the “lying” about his homework…we had just talked about being honest about the homework. I told him it was important to me that he be honest no matter what, that I had to think about the consequence, not to worry about it, I would get back to him on it and next thing I knew, he was in the shower, in a great mood. Go figure….
