Expect Tantrums
Published March 13, 2012If it is time to change habitual behavior in you or your child because it’s driving you crazy, it helps to understand that nobody likes change at first, even if it improves our lives.
Most children will amp up the bad behavior when a new limit is set. It is easy to get distracted from our goal when our child is having a tantrum because it is upsetting.
So when you set a new limit with an enforceable statement like, “I’d be happy to listen to you when you are not whining,” and your child goes to level two rebellion and starts yelling or crying, you can take a deep breath and know that he or she is just doing their job. Our job is to hold our ground in a loving way and follow through with whatever consequence fits, for as long as it takes our child to be clear that we will not be backing down.
These are not the most fun moments as a parent but the reward is a much happier home.
I like to think of these moments as ‘training sessions’ and they will be so much more effective if we are calm and not taking our child’s behavior personally or wondering if we are doing the right thing. It is especially important that we have our oxygen masks on during these training sessions if possible.
copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
“What Would Bob Do?”
Published March 8, 2012I treasure this story from a mom I’ll call Grace. Self-care is a big theme in my program and most of us have a hard time justifying taking the time for ourselves. It seems especially hard for women to even have it on their list of things to do.
We had spent a lot of time talking about the fear of being seen as a selfish-bitch and how that fear makes us bend over backwards to accommodate everyone else’s needs before our own.
After taking my workshop for a few weeks Grace started to pay attention to how she could relieve herself of the guilt and fit more ‘down time’ into a very busy schedule. She noticed that her husband automatically did whatever he needed to do for himself without the shame or fear of being called selfish. He would just announce that he was off to play golf.
Instead of this behavior making Grace angry as it had in the past, she started to take her husband’s lead. When she was at a loss for how to justify a plan to escape for awhile she would ask herself, “What would Bob do?”
The rest of us in the group laughed out loud in recognition and inspiration. Everyone gets happier when both parents are enjoying their lives! I’m sure you can think of a “Bob” in your life, so when in doubt ask, “What would Bob do?”
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Are You Trying to Recover from the ‘Doormat Syndrome’?
Published March 6, 2012Do you feel like you bend over backwards to take care of your family’s every need and then get angry when you don’t feel appreciated?
I have a few exercises that might help to break this unhealthy habit. I’ll start with the the first one so stay tuned for more!
The next time you start to feel angry or resentful, stop and ask yourself, “What do I need?” You might not have an answer in that moment but keep asking yourself over and over again.
Anger and resentment trigger the fight/flight or freeze part of your nervous system and prepares you to run or fight, which releaes cortisol into your blood stream. This is good if you are actually facing a real threat but too much cortisol in your blood can be extremely hazardous to your health if it is being chronically released.
Asking yourself what you need is an exercise in directing your attention to something that might feel good. Eventually you will form a list that keeps getting bigger and bigger and your body will feel better and better. Magically this will lead to feeling more respected in your family.
Acting like a ‘doormat’ leads to being stepped on……knowing how to fulfill your own needs leads to respect.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
What is My Job as a Parent?
Published December 27, 2011As a parent, it is common to feel we are responsible for our children and all that they do and feel in their lives, but that perspective usually gets us into trouble and doesn’t ultimately help our children. It is our job to help manage our children’s lives up until they are around ten years old. After this magical age our job shifts into becoming more of a consultant. We only have another eight years to teach them how to do their own thinking and problem solving so they’ll know what to do when they leave for the real world.
A better way of looking at it is that we are not responsible for our children; we are responsible to our children and to ourselves. Our responsibility to our children is to provide a teaching environment that reflects the real world in the comfort of a loving home. This enables them to experiment with what works and what doesn’t before the consequences of their actions become life threatening. By being responsible to ourselves, we have the base from which to model what it looks like to respect ourselves and keep our children accountable for their actions.
This is hard to remember when we see our children in any kind of pain. But, ironically, we end up creating unnecessary pain for our children by over-managing their lives. Our distorted idea about what actually helps children become capable, responsible people gets in the way of teaching them how to think.
For example, I have come across many parents getting overly involved in tasks that belong to the child, like filling out applications to college and managing the last years of high school that determine the options they will have. Our fears about where they might end up if we don’t help them, prevents them from learning the skills that really would help them. So be responsible to your children and keep the focus on yourself. Learn how to manage your own fears instead of your child’s life.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Old Dogs CAN Learn New Tricks!
Published December 3, 2011
The 1990s were the start of what scientists call the “neuroplasticity revolution.” We have discovered that our brains are plastic, or extremely malleable. This means, even as old dogs, we can learn new tricks. We have the ability to rise above bad habits that sabotage our higher intentions by learning how to focus our minds differently.
Haven’t we been told all our lives that we only use ten percent of our brains? We do lose brain mass as we age, but until we die we have access to billions of possible neural connections. This is good news for everyone, but especially for parents who commonly express frustration at not being able to stop what comes out of their mouths even when they know it won’t have the desired effect they were looking for with their children.
With the new brain-scanning technology, neuroscientists and psychologists have discovered that by teaching people how to focus on the present moment, with some kind of mindfulness-based practice, we can learn to access higher levels of thinking that will over-ride unconscious, habitual reactions.
So, not only can we learn new tricks, we can start using the part of the brain that leads to more compassion, insight, empathy and the ability to regulate fear. Stay tuned for tips on HOW to learn these new tricks.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
The Gift of Modeling Self-Care
Published November 28, 2011Here’s an example of how a parent successfully accomplished
her downtime while her children were around. She wanted to established a ‘silent hour’ so they would have the opportunity to learn how to just “be” with themselves as she was learning the same thing. She explained that she would be sitting/meditating in silence for an hour/half hour/ten minutes and if they wanted to join her they would have to be quiet. This gave Peggy’s children a choice to take part or not. Over time her children came to appreciate the quiet time and were given the gift of another valuable tool for tuning-in to themselves.
Whether it is a workout, a massage, time to sit quietly or just paying attention to our breathing, this focus on ourselves helps to replenish our reserves, and most importantly, to re-wire our brains, which was explained in Step Two. The parents who have taken my workshop have reported that by practicing the techniques in this Step they notice negative emotions and judgments dissolving and their parenting automatically improves. They have re-wired their brains.
Giving children the gift of self-care and the ability to know their own minds will provide them with an essential life skill. We pass on the ability to access our higher minds to our children by making it a priority. What better feeling is there than for a parent to know their children will be making life decisions with the help of their executive functioning brains?
It is also our job to let go of managing our children’s lives, step by step, so that by the time they are around ten or eleven years old we become a loving consultant. At that point, it is our job is to help them manage their own lives until they are self-reliant and fully prepared to thrive outside of our home. It is a win-win situation because at each step of the way our load gets lighter and their confidence and self-esteem get bigger. We create a lifestyle of respect and responsibility within a household that increases everyone’s ability to access higher brain functions.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Don’t Wait for Someone Else to Schedule Your Downtime
Published November 22, 2011
Taking that moment to stop and notice what we are feeling and thinking is key to knowing what triggers our own emotional reactions. What if – instead of feeling guilty for taking time for ourselves, we can feel proud to model what self-care looks like to our children, as well as to our spouses? Parents need down-time to unwind but it is too easy to let that time go with all of the endless tasks and the needs of the family filling up our space. Whether it is a walk, a bath, working in the garden, or a pedicure it won’t happen unless we make it happen. I kept waiting for someone else to notice that I was running on empty and start taking care of me but that never transpired.
By the time my children were teens I realized that I had trained them to expect that I had no needs and they would keep on taking whatever I gave because they could. It turns out that most humans need to be taught how to use the altruistic part of their brains. So I learned to guard my downtime tenaciously, by putting it on the calendar every day, with all of the other activities.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Start with Feeling Your Breath
Published November 13, 2011If self-care is our primary focus we are more likely to have the energy to do our job with love. Again, this is a counter-intuitive idea, but a very important one for becoming a Loving Authority. Doesn’t it make sense to build a tower of support around the main engine so the household will run more smoothly? Our focus on the needs of our children weakens this main engine if we put them above our own needs. It is our job to learn how to maintain and sustain those boundaries in a loving way. It is our child’s job to keep testing them.
So how do we apply self-care? The first step is to make space somewhere during the day to slow down even if it’s just for five minutes. If we move at our habitually fast pace it is hard to be aware of bodily sensations that are connected to our underlying feelings. An emotion is a physiological sensation that either feels good or bad but unless we make it a practice to turn our attention inward, it is hard to notice what we are feeling.
Start with feeling your breath coming in through your nose or mouth….then notice where you feel movement in your body. Is it a small area in your belly or a sensation of movement in your chest or ribcage. After a few minutes ask yourself what you need and if you don’t have an answer try it again the next time you stop to turn your attention inward. Keep asking, “What do I need?”
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
What Would a Tiger Do?
Published November 8, 2011Practicing self-care on a daily basis involves setting up clear boundaries that support a respectful, responsible and fun household. The time we need to practice self-care is created by the limits we set for ourselves.
A close friend of mine, Marion, provided an excellent example of setting limits so she could hold on to her treasured daily workout time. I looked to her for guidance when my children were small because she had way less of the helicopter gene than I did. I asked her how she managed to do her daily hour-long workout while she was nursing twins? I had given up my beloved daily yoga practice the day I gave birth to my first child and never went back to it. Now it was six years later.
Marion described how she would get down on the floor with the twins on blankets and do her workout. When the twins would move toward her, she would gently nudge them back, over and over again, until they understood the boundary of her sacred hour.
Of course there are exceptions when babies are under a year old. Their needs are essential to take care of and if they were hungry or needed comfort Marion would stop and give them what they needed. It was her consistency over a period of time that taught her children to respect certain boundaries that enabled her to renew herself.
I always picture a mother tiger batting her cubs back with a big, soft paw. This is a fierce, tiger-mother who will protect her children against all odds, but she uses the same ferocity to protect her own space so she can maintain her health and strength.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Calming the Selfish-Bitch Voices
Published November 1, 2011Self-care is a tool that fosters awareness, balance, and the ability to be attuned to what we need. For instance, a mom named Paula, who had been working on this for awhile in one of my workshops, came in one day with a bit of a smug look on her face and just had to share her first big victory in practicing a little self-care and over-coming her selfish bitch voices.
She explained that in the past, before going on their family skiing trips she would arrange everything, including healthy snacks for the ride and all the ski equipment. She would even fill the tank with gas. She was always the last person she would think about and so would end up not enjoying herself because of the stress of trying to make it great for everyone else and inevitably loosing her temper in the process. This time she made sure to tell her husband and children ahead of time that she was changing her ways. They would all have to be responsible for their own stuff. She informed them in a kind voice that, if they forgot anything it would be sad, but they probably couldn’t ski. So she got all her stuff packed and was ready, way ahead of time. Instead of being frantic, she had time to sit and have a cup of tea (one of her favorite things in the world to do). While the kids raced around asking where all their stuff was, she calmly and empathetically said, “Gee, I don’t know but I’m sure you can come up with a plan if you don’t find it.” She was cringing inside because her old feelings of guilt and shame were being triggered, but she had done enough self-reflection to know where that habitual reaction came from and also what it lead to.
So she practiced some deep breathing and managed to act very calm while she continued to drink her tea, even with a few derogatory comments coming from the children. (Her husband knew what the plan was so he was on board). To her surprise and relief, everyone got it together. Well, not totally because they forgot the snacks, but they had to stop for gas anyway so the kids picked up some tasty treats, paid for with their own money, and all was well.
We all cheered for Paula because the delight on her face revealed the feeling of empowerment that comes with asking for what she needed and seeing how that helps the whole family learn how to take good care of themselves; not to mention that she had a really good time on her family trip.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
