Expect Tantrums
Published March 13, 2012If it is time to change habitual behavior in you or your child because it’s driving you crazy, it helps to understand that nobody likes change at first, even if it improves our lives.
Most children will amp up the bad behavior when a new limit is set. It is easy to get distracted from our goal when our child is having a tantrum because it is upsetting.
So when you set a new limit with an enforceable statement like, “I’d be happy to listen to you when you are not whining,” and your child goes to level two rebellion and starts yelling or crying, you can take a deep breath and know that he or she is just doing their job. Our job is to hold our ground in a loving way and follow through with whatever consequence fits, for as long as it takes our child to be clear that we will not be backing down.
These are not the most fun moments as a parent but the reward is a much happier home.
I like to think of these moments as ‘training sessions’ and they will be so much more effective if we are calm and not taking our child’s behavior personally or wondering if we are doing the right thing. It is especially important that we have our oxygen masks on during these training sessions if possible.
copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Are You Trying to Recover from the ‘Doormat Syndrome’?
Published March 6, 2012Do you feel like you bend over backwards to take care of your family’s every need and then get angry when you don’t feel appreciated?
I have a few exercises that might help to break this unhealthy habit. I’ll start with the the first one so stay tuned for more!
The next time you start to feel angry or resentful, stop and ask yourself, “What do I need?” You might not have an answer in that moment but keep asking yourself over and over again.
Anger and resentment trigger the fight/flight or freeze part of your nervous system and prepares you to run or fight, which releaes cortisol into your blood stream. This is good if you are actually facing a real threat but too much cortisol in your blood can be extremely hazardous to your health if it is being chronically released.
Asking yourself what you need is an exercise in directing your attention to something that might feel good. Eventually you will form a list that keeps getting bigger and bigger and your body will feel better and better. Magically this will lead to feeling more respected in your family.
Acting like a ‘doormat’ leads to being stepped on……knowing how to fulfill your own needs leads to respect.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
What is My Job as a Parent?
Published December 27, 2011As a parent, it is common to feel we are responsible for our children and all that they do and feel in their lives, but that perspective usually gets us into trouble and doesn’t ultimately help our children. It is our job to help manage our children’s lives up until they are around ten years old. After this magical age our job shifts into becoming more of a consultant. We only have another eight years to teach them how to do their own thinking and problem solving so they’ll know what to do when they leave for the real world.
A better way of looking at it is that we are not responsible for our children; we are responsible to our children and to ourselves. Our responsibility to our children is to provide a teaching environment that reflects the real world in the comfort of a loving home. This enables them to experiment with what works and what doesn’t before the consequences of their actions become life threatening. By being responsible to ourselves, we have the base from which to model what it looks like to respect ourselves and keep our children accountable for their actions.
This is hard to remember when we see our children in any kind of pain. But, ironically, we end up creating unnecessary pain for our children by over-managing their lives. Our distorted idea about what actually helps children become capable, responsible people gets in the way of teaching them how to think.
For example, I have come across many parents getting overly involved in tasks that belong to the child, like filling out applications to college and managing the last years of high school that determine the options they will have. Our fears about where they might end up if we don’t help them, prevents them from learning the skills that really would help them. So be responsible to your children and keep the focus on yourself. Learn how to manage your own fears instead of your child’s life.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
The Gift of Modeling Self-Care
Published November 28, 2011Here’s an example of how a parent successfully accomplished
her downtime while her children were around. She wanted to established a ‘silent hour’ so they would have the opportunity to learn how to just “be” with themselves as she was learning the same thing. She explained that she would be sitting/meditating in silence for an hour/half hour/ten minutes and if they wanted to join her they would have to be quiet. This gave Peggy’s children a choice to take part or not. Over time her children came to appreciate the quiet time and were given the gift of another valuable tool for tuning-in to themselves.
Whether it is a workout, a massage, time to sit quietly or just paying attention to our breathing, this focus on ourselves helps to replenish our reserves, and most importantly, to re-wire our brains, which was explained in Step Two. The parents who have taken my workshop have reported that by practicing the techniques in this Step they notice negative emotions and judgments dissolving and their parenting automatically improves. They have re-wired their brains.
Giving children the gift of self-care and the ability to know their own minds will provide them with an essential life skill. We pass on the ability to access our higher minds to our children by making it a priority. What better feeling is there than for a parent to know their children will be making life decisions with the help of their executive functioning brains?
It is also our job to let go of managing our children’s lives, step by step, so that by the time they are around ten or eleven years old we become a loving consultant. At that point, it is our job is to help them manage their own lives until they are self-reliant and fully prepared to thrive outside of our home. It is a win-win situation because at each step of the way our load gets lighter and their confidence and self-esteem get bigger. We create a lifestyle of respect and responsibility within a household that increases everyone’s ability to access higher brain functions.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Don’t Wait for Someone Else to Schedule Your Downtime
Published November 22, 2011
Taking that moment to stop and notice what we are feeling and thinking is key to knowing what triggers our own emotional reactions. What if – instead of feeling guilty for taking time for ourselves, we can feel proud to model what self-care looks like to our children, as well as to our spouses? Parents need down-time to unwind but it is too easy to let that time go with all of the endless tasks and the needs of the family filling up our space. Whether it is a walk, a bath, working in the garden, or a pedicure it won’t happen unless we make it happen. I kept waiting for someone else to notice that I was running on empty and start taking care of me but that never transpired.
By the time my children were teens I realized that I had trained them to expect that I had no needs and they would keep on taking whatever I gave because they could. It turns out that most humans need to be taught how to use the altruistic part of their brains. So I learned to guard my downtime tenaciously, by putting it on the calendar every day, with all of the other activities.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
We Have Choice in Every Moment
Published November 18, 2011An emotion is a physiological sensation that either feels good or bad but unless we make it a practice to turn our attention inward, it is hard to notice what we are feeling.
A mother I was counseling just before Christmas, Stephanie, expressed that she knew her children had a good life and were doing fine, but she couldn’t help feeling bad about the things she could not provide for them. She was comparing herself to the more affluent people in her very wealthy community. I reminded her of the gift of what she is providing. She is a very present mother with a good “connection” to her children and she could help them learn to identify and label feelings of envy.
When I asked her to compare the feeling of envy to the feeling of gratitude, contentment and pride, she started beaming. Which one feels good and which one feels bad?
We can use our mind to choose one or the other when we take the time to focus on experiencing what we are physically feeling as a result of our thinking. It only took Stephanie five minutes to stop and tune-in to what was going on inside her head. She was then able to enjoy the rest of the Holiday season feeling good about her parenting. Where are you choosing to focus your attention today?
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Start with Feeling Your Breath
Published November 13, 2011If self-care is our primary focus we are more likely to have the energy to do our job with love. Again, this is a counter-intuitive idea, but a very important one for becoming a Loving Authority. Doesn’t it make sense to build a tower of support around the main engine so the household will run more smoothly? Our focus on the needs of our children weakens this main engine if we put them above our own needs. It is our job to learn how to maintain and sustain those boundaries in a loving way. It is our child’s job to keep testing them.
So how do we apply self-care? The first step is to make space somewhere during the day to slow down even if it’s just for five minutes. If we move at our habitually fast pace it is hard to be aware of bodily sensations that are connected to our underlying feelings. An emotion is a physiological sensation that either feels good or bad but unless we make it a practice to turn our attention inward, it is hard to notice what we are feeling.
Start with feeling your breath coming in through your nose or mouth….then notice where you feel movement in your body. Is it a small area in your belly or a sensation of movement in your chest or ribcage. After a few minutes ask yourself what you need and if you don’t have an answer try it again the next time you stop to turn your attention inward. Keep asking, “What do I need?”
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Calming the Selfish-Bitch Voices
Published November 1, 2011Self-care is a tool that fosters awareness, balance, and the ability to be attuned to what we need. For instance, a mom named Paula, who had been working on this for awhile in one of my workshops, came in one day with a bit of a smug look on her face and just had to share her first big victory in practicing a little self-care and over-coming her selfish bitch voices.
She explained that in the past, before going on their family skiing trips she would arrange everything, including healthy snacks for the ride and all the ski equipment. She would even fill the tank with gas. She was always the last person she would think about and so would end up not enjoying herself because of the stress of trying to make it great for everyone else and inevitably loosing her temper in the process. This time she made sure to tell her husband and children ahead of time that she was changing her ways. They would all have to be responsible for their own stuff. She informed them in a kind voice that, if they forgot anything it would be sad, but they probably couldn’t ski. So she got all her stuff packed and was ready, way ahead of time. Instead of being frantic, she had time to sit and have a cup of tea (one of her favorite things in the world to do). While the kids raced around asking where all their stuff was, she calmly and empathetically said, “Gee, I don’t know but I’m sure you can come up with a plan if you don’t find it.” She was cringing inside because her old feelings of guilt and shame were being triggered, but she had done enough self-reflection to know where that habitual reaction came from and also what it lead to.
So she practiced some deep breathing and managed to act very calm while she continued to drink her tea, even with a few derogatory comments coming from the children. (Her husband knew what the plan was so he was on board). To her surprise and relief, everyone got it together. Well, not totally because they forgot the snacks, but they had to stop for gas anyway so the kids picked up some tasty treats, paid for with their own money, and all was well.
We all cheered for Paula because the delight on her face revealed the feeling of empowerment that comes with asking for what she needed and seeing how that helps the whole family learn how to take good care of themselves; not to mention that she had a really good time on her family trip.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Five Minutes’ Peace
Published October 24, 2011A parent who can take just five minutes for themselves will handle a child’s tantrum more constructively than a stressed, tired or hungry parent.
For instance, as you walk in the door after a long day of work, instead of being greeted by your angel children, one of them is screaming about the toy their brother just took from them and they want it back now! A stressed and burnt out parent would have a hard time not either taking this behavior personally, getting a little resentful or at least wanting to stop the screaming at any cost whether by effective parenting or not. This is a trap most of us fall into and is a direct result of having no reserves, especially at the end of the day when everyone is tired. In this situation we might raise our own voice, blurt out a consequence that we can’t enforce or try to solve a problem that isn’t ours to solve. If we are also feeling guilty for not being with our children all day, we might do nothing and just tolerate unacceptable behavior, which confuses a child. This will ensure that whatever the child is doing will be repeated and no one gets any peace or makes progress. In this circumstance your child just wants to connect and they feel the connection when they hear empathy coming from a calm, loving adult. Just allowing ourselves to take five minutes to unwind before or after we walk in the door will up-the-odds that the last half hour before bedtime will be more loving and fun.
What would it look like to practice daily self-care? What if we nurtured the things that bring us joy even if it is just filling basic needs such as enough sleep and food at the right times? Most parents don’t need a whole lot of time away from the devoted job of raising children. We know that there is sacrifice involved and we usually happily embrace getting back to the joy of being parents. A little time to step back and give ourselves a moment for contemplation can go a long way.
My favorite book to read to my children when they were little, and surprisingly also their favorite book was called, Five Minutes’ Peace, about a mama elephant whose three children needed her for something every second. All she wanted was five minutes to drink her tea in peace. Pulling ourselves out of the fray for very short periods of time can help us regulate emotions and be more likely to respond to our children’s problems with empathy.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
Happy Parents Happy Kids
Published October 21, 2011Whether we are constantly nagging to get our children to do their chores or arguing with a teenager, applying self-care will improve our ability to be more effective parents and enjoy ourselves at the same time. According to Wendy Mogul, who wrote Blessings of a B Minus, a recent study reported the majority of teenagers saying, “I don’t want to be like my parents because they are always stressed and unhappy.” So, wouldn’t we rather be modeling what it looks like to be a happier and more loving parent?
I can think of only one example of a parent like that. My friend Miriam, who modeled what it looks like to regularly plan ways to fill herself up so she had the reserves it took to raise her three children and have fun doing it. She relentlessly held on to her daily exercise, set up fun activities consistently, and set limits on her time. She was fun to be around because she had energy left for herself and she knew how to engage her children in a joyful
way to get their participation with daily chores.
Love and Logic has some fantastic ideas for making chores part of what a family does to keep a happy household running smoothly, which I teach in my workshops. The most important research about chores is that it builds self-esteem. Children feel useful and proud of being a needed member of the family when they accomplish their daily chores.
Copywrite© 2006 by Leigh Scott. All rights reserved.
